The beginning -part two

So I continued to go on with life until a traumatic event and then I drank a lot . I remember I couldn’t write more than my name in my re gcse because I was soooo hungover . I began to take a hundred laxatives a day and make myself vomit after food . I binged though so badly . I binged in food and alcohol and was totally out of control on every level and desperately unhappy . I was referred to a child psychiatric and she wanted to admit me to hospital . I went to look round and felt I could talk to the staff but my mum said there was no way her daughter was being admitted to a place like that and I stopped seeing the psychiatrist and we stopped talking about my very disordered eating . I was 14 at that time . We just ignored it .

I carried on drinking and binging and vomiting and then my dad developed lung cancer . My dad was 44 and I was 17 , my brother 16. Dad became very poorly very quickly and we very sadly watched him for a dreadful death of cancer . We were all heartbroken.

This sounds like I’m blaming but I’m really not . I guess I’m just trying to make sense of things , to understand why I am and try and change that . My mum totally fell apart . She cried from the moment she got up in a morning until she went to bed at night . She used to say things like I wish somebody would stab me when I’m taking the dog out , or if it wasn’t for you and your brother I would kill myself x

My mum is an identical twin sister and her sister used to say ‘don’t cry you have to look after your mum ‘ or ‘ it’s ok for you , you will grow older and meet someone and have children but your mum never will ‘

As a consequence my brother and I hid our grief . We all muddled on on our own journeys totally alone .

I had always wanted to be an actress and my dad had always encouraged me so at 18 I auditioned for a drama school in London and was accepted . In hindsight living in London on my own after my dad had just died and I was so bloody unhappy and destructive anyway wasn’t the best idea but off I went to live in London .

I hated it . I felt anxious and drank lots of alcohol and became anorexic with bulimia . I couldn’t say I wanted to go home so looking back I think I showed my mum. I became anorexic and lost lots of weight that I was so poorly I had to leave and move back home and be admitted into hospital.

I love my mum but she did some weird things . She sneaked me wine into hospital without my asking her . She put up pictures of pigs on the fridge saying those who indulge bulge . She left laxatives lying around when I was taking 100 a day : my therapist said usually we have parents ringing saying how can we help but we haven’t had any of that with your mum . They insisted on coming to visit me at tea time even though Katie told them meal times was very distressing for me and they couldn’t see me then . It really was bizarre .

Ok today is my first day back at work after pneumonia and I need to go to a meeting . But I feel I need to work through all this in my mind and try and make sense .

Today is also day one ☝️ of no wine again for me .

Today I will not drink x

Much love the sober queen 👸

4 thoughts on “The beginning -part two

  1. Yes, so great for you to write this out! Keep on staying away from this poison, as a clearer-headed, nonhungover you will be a much better space from which to look out at the world. And dwell in yourself. Not that it’ll be perfect or easy. But it will have a liveliness and fertility that alcohol steals from us. Hope you have a healthy week! Adrian

    Liked by 2 people

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